35 and still finding myself

It's been over a year since I've paid any attention to this blog, let alone write a single post for it. I tell people I love to write; that I am a writer.  I recently had a full-time job as a copywriter...and did well.  I AM a writer, and feel most aligned and balanced when I am writing (and by the sea...that's a whole other issue).  Maybe that is why for a long time I've been feeling lost; as if I'm just treading water to make it through each day.

Is it ever as we imagined it would be? 
As my 35th birthday approaches (tomorrow), I am reflecting back and realizing that my life is nowhere near where I expected it would be.  But is anyone's? Does anyone at 25, 35, or even 75 reflect and say, "Oh, yes, my life is playing out (or played out) exactly as I had planned."?  I am guessing no.

My life as I had planned.
My life as planned would have led me to 35 with 2 happy, healthy children under the age of 10, a loving, respectful and healthy husband who would go to church with me not because he wanted to but because he knew how important it was to me to raise my daughter a Christian and he would support that. My life as I'd imagined would have led me to a lucrative position in market research, or as a paid writer with a great agent and advances from publishers to write the books I believe God put me on this Earth to write.  I would write said books, blog posts, and articles for publications from my home by the shore or at times from my beach chair while listening to the waves crashing against the shore.  I'd also be working part-time as a personal trainer because fitness and health are passions of mine. I'd be helping others live a healthier, more fit lifestyle because they truly want it.

My family and I would be living modestly by the sea in Maryland or another east coast beach town.  My husband would be in the same profession he is in, because he loves it...he says often how much he loves the work he does.  That's rare.  But he'd be in a higher level position where he'd be changing the shape of a business and how businesses view Information Technology.  He'd be using his leadership skills and strong work ethic to revolutionize how IT is done. We'd both be living up to our fullest potential so that our children would know what it means to apply yourself and be your best.

My life as I see it today.
I'm treading water.  I'm lost; trying to find my way.  I am a woman with no mother to turn to for advice and support (she left us when I was 22). I'm a woman with an MBA and I'm not using it.  I'm a woman who wants to work, but can't find a company that supports work/life balance and appreciates women who want to be there for their children.  I'm a woman that has a lot to offer with a strong work ethic and desire to succeed.  I'm a woman that knows there is so much more I can be doing in this life, in this world.  I am a woman who has a husband that is supportive but doesn't see my pain. I'm a woman whose husband works so hard and is so tired at the end of the day he has no time or energy to truly see his wife needs him to care, needs him to truly talk to her.  I'm a woman that feels at home by the water, with sand in her toes.  I am a woman that desperately desires a seashore life. I am a woman with a soul that needs nurturing, love and saltwater air.

I'm a mother to one amazing almost 8 year-old girl who deserves a mother who is NOT lost, NOT unhappy and NOT unhealthy.  My daughter deserves more from me. She deserves to see a strong woman going after her dreams energetically and faithfully. She deserves to see her parents respect and love one another.  She deserves to see her father care about his health and life, especially since there is a family history of life-threatening health conditions. She deserves to see that marriage is worth it and that relationships can be strong, respectful and positive.  She deserves to see parents that make each other want to be better people, not bringing one another down.  She deserves light, love and opportunity.  She deserves a lifestyle at a slower pace near the water like the one where she has had such amazing, fun summers. She deserves to be lifted up, listened to and appreciated every day for the amazing kid she is.

I'm at a point where something has to change. I need a change of scenery. I realize the only person we can change is ourselves.  I realize that I am the only person responsible for my happiness in life.  And that all the decisions I've made in the past have led me to this point.  So....it's time for me to make a shift, be true to myself and who I am (and stop trying to be anyone else or compare myself to others) and fill myself up with light and love, so that I can be happy and exude positivity. I deserve it. My daughter deserves it. My husband deserves it. My friends and family deserve it.